New York State of Mind...........

Dear  Blog,
     It has been ages since I have written.  I've been juggling extra classes, and holidays and floating through my days. It has been nice to glide through life with a new perspective, and a focus on joy.  I was previously plowing through my to-do lists and dragging baggage around every turn.  I had blinders on--and was tunnel visioned on the agenda.  My existence was all work and very little Heidi--Stella would not approve! I got to a point where I told myself that its okay to just skip it...skip whatever, and do what you want.  For awhile I chose to skip blogging, and now I am ready to write.  The balance is there again and so is my voice.  I am now more interested in the lessons of the baggage than the suitcases themselves. 
     I recently came to a realization that the concept of tying up loose ends is nothing but a cliche.  Who says they need to be tied up?  They could be dangling pieces of art, braided, or starched in kinks...maybe they aren't even strings.  It is simply societies judgments that things need to end in a perfect bow.  I have never really been a perfect bow kind of girl, and perhaps I am most comfortable with beaded works of modern art as my loose ends.  The sense of urgency that I had to fit life into a formulaic set up is gone.  I now just enjoy living...living like I used to before pressure set in.
    On my last trip to NYC I went back to the WTC site for the first time since before the towers fell.  It was on that day that I realized how much 9-11-01 affected me.  I was struck by the way it changed my path in life and what I was looking for.  The way it started a voyage of sacrificing artistry for the "safe" path and for the benefit of others.  Little did I know how dangerous the blind choices I made would be.  I left my art, my passion and my joy of unpredictability for the safety of a day job.  I trusted a man blindly, and did not see what was happening in our relationship--because I did not want to see it.  I wanted it to fit in a nice box with a perfectly tied bow.  I sought solace in the suburbs because that is where peace was supposed to be, even though the burbs kinda made me itch.   I would not give back the family and friends from the day job--for they understand me and support me in ways I did not think possible.  They are there for me time after time-- months and years after the last time I saw them.  They are ready to laugh, and hug and simply enjoy how we have changed and how we haven't.  I would not give back the suburban memories of watching the sunset from my back porch while barbecuing as the dogs played.  I would not change who I am today or who I will be tomorrow.  I am embracing this new understanding of why, how and when my focus changed, and I am thankful for this gift of understanding.  It will not come as a surprise to many of you that this revelation came to me while looking at installation art amidst men in hard hats.  Sometimes you have to go back to your roots to understand your path : )
    That entire trip was like going back to the old New York of 2000.  Instead of pushing me away, it welcomed me in.  Things that would have been difficult in 2007 were so easy, and they just fell into place.  There were even extra connections and "bonus" moments around every corner.  There was a shift in energy on this trip.  A friend referred to "City Magic" when I was there, and I knew exactly what he meant.  I am confident there was a change in both myself and New York.  Perhaps we are on the same plane again.  Where we embrace the sweet unpredictability of life, yet understand it and cherish moments in a new way.  Perhaps we are now both living for the moment, riding the wave, and finding the peace in that passionate city cadence. That energetic beat that once echoed so loudly with anger in my head, is now an amazing gong like reverb....I can once again say "I love New York!"