I decided I am now more of a morning person than I ever was. Despite the fact that I am also more tired in the morning than I ever was : ) Apparently when I wake up, I am like a spark plug. Start me up and I'm off. Perhaps its because I have so much going on in my day that I just dive in and start checking things off the list.
I think that is why morning meditations don't work as well for me. I know that is the best time for my dad to meditate, he wakes up with it every day. I prefer to meditate right after I get home from work, and before I have dinner. I use it as a part of the process to switch gears from sales to teaching. I leave all the noise from my day behind and sit in a moment of reflection, strength, and clarity before diving into teaching for the evening.
Last night I skipped meditating, went straight to dinner with a wonderful man, and then had A LOT of teaching to do (grading 2 sets of finals and getting 2 more up and running). I actually felt like I couldn't breathe for the first time in a long time. I won't say it was a panic attack, but it was definitely a stress-bucket moment. My gut instinct was to dive in like I do first thing in the morning and get everything off that teaching list, but I stopped myself. I turned off the music, and made myself relax and let the list go. It was very very hard to do with that list ticking away in my head. Since I had already eaten my body wasn't in meditation mode, but I made myself breathe and forced my mind to quiet. It took a small army to quiet me, but I got there with the help of an amazing soldier, and I truly believe I was a better teacher last night because of it.
So, if you are like me and get overwhelmed by the list sometimes, remember that diving in may not always be the best choice. You may get further by taking a beat, calming your soul, and deliberately approaching your day from a place of peace. Perhaps I need to try morning meditation again after all for this very reason....we shall see how it goes.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Joys of Unfiltered Conversation
In the past few months I have been blessed with the joy of unfiltered conversation. It is a wondrously freeing experience, and I am also enjoying being an unfiltered listener. There is a great deal of truth and trust in communicating the little nagging thoughts that are on your mind--many of those noisy worries that rattle around your mind are totally unnecessary. Its all a part of my new mission to trust my gut, reconnect with my instincts, and avoid drama. I don't know when or why I started doubting my gut. I realized this year that my instincts are pretty awesome, and a tool I should embrace!!!! I simply do not have the energy to try and read everyone minds anymore. I was wasting so much time predicting and planning for issues that existed only in my head...and I don't have that to spare any more. If you tell me you feel "x"...then you do...because you said so--case closed.
I used to tiptoe around others with my wonder-ings, and dwell and obsess on them in my own mind. I would push down my gut response, and brush away those little kind fairies that tried to whisper guidance in my ears. I would literally make things harder than they ever had to be! Now I just speak what is on my mind. What is even more amazing about this....is when you start speaking your real internal thoughts to people...they tell you theirs too!!!! I know!!! Who knew this was possible! Open, honest communication without boundaries, or secret code words. Real, pure, effective connection that actually brings us closer.
For instance a conversation that could be so totally complex and possibly span 4 days would now go as follows:
ME: "Is something off with us?"
THEM: "What do you mean, everything is fine"
ME: "That's great to hear. I must just feel nervous because everything else is going wrong. Glad I checked in"
Done...simple...connected communication between 2 people being truthful, and trusting in the purity of what they are hearing. Nothing more needs to be said because they believe and trust each other. Because there is no reason or precedent not to. Because they agreed to be honest with each other and refused to segregate their thoughts from their words
This, is a truly beautiful thing! It works at work, the grocery store, you name it....try it.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say--its an amazing experience
I used to tiptoe around others with my wonder-ings, and dwell and obsess on them in my own mind. I would push down my gut response, and brush away those little kind fairies that tried to whisper guidance in my ears. I would literally make things harder than they ever had to be! Now I just speak what is on my mind. What is even more amazing about this....is when you start speaking your real internal thoughts to people...they tell you theirs too!!!! I know!!! Who knew this was possible! Open, honest communication without boundaries, or secret code words. Real, pure, effective connection that actually brings us closer.
For instance a conversation that could be so totally complex and possibly span 4 days would now go as follows:
ME: "Is something off with us?"
THEM: "What do you mean, everything is fine"
ME: "That's great to hear. I must just feel nervous because everything else is going wrong. Glad I checked in"
Done...simple...connected communication between 2 people being truthful, and trusting in the purity of what they are hearing. Nothing more needs to be said because they believe and trust each other. Because there is no reason or precedent not to. Because they agreed to be honest with each other and refused to segregate their thoughts from their words
This, is a truly beautiful thing! It works at work, the grocery store, you name it....try it.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say--its an amazing experience
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
New York State of Mind...........
Dear Blog,
It has been ages since I have written. I've been juggling extra classes, and holidays and floating through my days. It has been nice to glide through life with a new perspective, and a focus on joy. I was previously plowing through my to-do lists and dragging baggage around every turn. I had blinders on--and was tunnel visioned on the agenda. My existence was all work and very little Heidi--Stella would not approve! I got to a point where I told myself that its okay to just skip it...skip whatever, and do what you want. For awhile I chose to skip blogging, and now I am ready to write. The balance is there again and so is my voice. I am now more interested in the lessons of the baggage than the suitcases themselves.
I recently came to a realization that the concept of tying up loose ends is nothing but a cliche. Who says they need to be tied up? They could be dangling pieces of art, braided, or starched in kinks...maybe they aren't even strings. It is simply societies judgments that things need to end in a perfect bow. I have never really been a perfect bow kind of girl, and perhaps I am most comfortable with beaded works of modern art as my loose ends. The sense of urgency that I had to fit life into a formulaic set up is gone. I now just enjoy living...living like I used to before pressure set in.
On my last trip to NYC I went back to the WTC site for the first time since before the towers fell. It was on that day that I realized how much 9-11-01 affected me. I was struck by the way it changed my path in life and what I was looking for. The way it started a voyage of sacrificing artistry for the "safe" path and for the benefit of others. Little did I know how dangerous the blind choices I made would be. I left my art, my passion and my joy of unpredictability for the safety of a day job. I trusted a man blindly, and did not see what was happening in our relationship--because I did not want to see it. I wanted it to fit in a nice box with a perfectly tied bow. I sought solace in the suburbs because that is where peace was supposed to be, even though the burbs kinda made me itch. I would not give back the family and friends from the day job--for they understand me and support me in ways I did not think possible. They are there for me time after time-- months and years after the last time I saw them. They are ready to laugh, and hug and simply enjoy how we have changed and how we haven't. I would not give back the suburban memories of watching the sunset from my back porch while barbecuing as the dogs played. I would not change who I am today or who I will be tomorrow. I am embracing this new understanding of why, how and when my focus changed, and I am thankful for this gift of understanding. It will not come as a surprise to many of you that this revelation came to me while looking at installation art amidst men in hard hats. Sometimes you have to go back to your roots to understand your path : )
That entire trip was like going back to the old New York of 2000. Instead of pushing me away, it welcomed me in. Things that would have been difficult in 2007 were so easy, and they just fell into place. There were even extra connections and "bonus" moments around every corner. There was a shift in energy on this trip. A friend referred to "City Magic" when I was there, and I knew exactly what he meant. I am confident there was a change in both myself and New York. Perhaps we are on the same plane again. Where we embrace the sweet unpredictability of life, yet understand it and cherish moments in a new way. Perhaps we are now both living for the moment, riding the wave, and finding the peace in that passionate city cadence. That energetic beat that once echoed so loudly with anger in my head, is now an amazing gong like reverb....I can once again say "I love New York!"
It has been ages since I have written. I've been juggling extra classes, and holidays and floating through my days. It has been nice to glide through life with a new perspective, and a focus on joy. I was previously plowing through my to-do lists and dragging baggage around every turn. I had blinders on--and was tunnel visioned on the agenda. My existence was all work and very little Heidi--Stella would not approve! I got to a point where I told myself that its okay to just skip it...skip whatever, and do what you want. For awhile I chose to skip blogging, and now I am ready to write. The balance is there again and so is my voice. I am now more interested in the lessons of the baggage than the suitcases themselves.
I recently came to a realization that the concept of tying up loose ends is nothing but a cliche. Who says they need to be tied up? They could be dangling pieces of art, braided, or starched in kinks...maybe they aren't even strings. It is simply societies judgments that things need to end in a perfect bow. I have never really been a perfect bow kind of girl, and perhaps I am most comfortable with beaded works of modern art as my loose ends. The sense of urgency that I had to fit life into a formulaic set up is gone. I now just enjoy living...living like I used to before pressure set in.
On my last trip to NYC I went back to the WTC site for the first time since before the towers fell. It was on that day that I realized how much 9-11-01 affected me. I was struck by the way it changed my path in life and what I was looking for. The way it started a voyage of sacrificing artistry for the "safe" path and for the benefit of others. Little did I know how dangerous the blind choices I made would be. I left my art, my passion and my joy of unpredictability for the safety of a day job. I trusted a man blindly, and did not see what was happening in our relationship--because I did not want to see it. I wanted it to fit in a nice box with a perfectly tied bow. I sought solace in the suburbs because that is where peace was supposed to be, even though the burbs kinda made me itch. I would not give back the family and friends from the day job--for they understand me and support me in ways I did not think possible. They are there for me time after time-- months and years after the last time I saw them. They are ready to laugh, and hug and simply enjoy how we have changed and how we haven't. I would not give back the suburban memories of watching the sunset from my back porch while barbecuing as the dogs played. I would not change who I am today or who I will be tomorrow. I am embracing this new understanding of why, how and when my focus changed, and I am thankful for this gift of understanding. It will not come as a surprise to many of you that this revelation came to me while looking at installation art amidst men in hard hats. Sometimes you have to go back to your roots to understand your path : )
That entire trip was like going back to the old New York of 2000. Instead of pushing me away, it welcomed me in. Things that would have been difficult in 2007 were so easy, and they just fell into place. There were even extra connections and "bonus" moments around every corner. There was a shift in energy on this trip. A friend referred to "City Magic" when I was there, and I knew exactly what he meant. I am confident there was a change in both myself and New York. Perhaps we are on the same plane again. Where we embrace the sweet unpredictability of life, yet understand it and cherish moments in a new way. Perhaps we are now both living for the moment, riding the wave, and finding the peace in that passionate city cadence. That energetic beat that once echoed so loudly with anger in my head, is now an amazing gong like reverb....I can once again say "I love New York!"
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